I have always hated the word CANCER, so I kept referring to my situation, as my “health issue.” But then I decided I was going to give MY cancer a name.
I listed all of the most negative vicious creatures I could think of, and I came up with “The Tasmanian Devil.” It’s an ugly son of a gun. Whew! PERFECT name.
But for the purposes of my BLOG, I’ve abbreviated the name to “TAZ”, that’s right spelled with a Z.
Prior to TAZ, while I was taking kickboxing, many of my friends and family were dealing with all sorts of issues. I remember punching the bag and pretending it was the “Devil” and I would get all of my aggression out and talk to the bag and tell it to leave all of my family and friends alone. It was so, so therapeutic.
At the time, I had no idea I should have been punching the hell out of that bag for my own “personal” situation….
In the past, whenever I was confronted with a problem or issue, I’ve always tried to go the “furthest end point” of where a crisis might take me, and then walk my way back. So that’s what I did prior to telling my family about TAZ.
I live in NJ, but most of my family is in Mass, so on my trip back home to tell them, I had a 5 hour ride, plenty of time to think. On my ride to Mass I started to think about what was the worse thing that could happen? What was the biggest fear?
I think we all know the worse thing is you lose the fight and die. Then I thought WAIT A MINUTE, that can’t be the worse because we’re “All” going to die sooner or later.
Oddly enough, the dying part didn’t disturb me as much as not knowing the WHEN or HOW.
WHEN? – My personal preferences for the WHEN is old age.
HOW? – On the HOW, in my sleep, of course and with my make up and high heels on.
Then when I came right down to it, I realized we have absolutely no control over most of it.
I think the real fear comes in because we don’t want to leave LOVED ones. Yet someone leaves a LOVED one every single solitary day. So not leaving is not an option. “EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE SOONER OR LATER”. Sorry for that pronouncement people, but none of us gets out of this alive.
But I finally realized, for Me, the biggest fear was to die without having done the things I REALLY wanted to do, or see, or be, or experience, or have, etc., etc., etc.
I keep in touch with a band of friends from my corporate years through regular get togethers. We call ourselves the “Posse”. We always talk about all the things we want to do before we die They like the term “Bucket List”, but I never warmed up to that expression.
I was always trying to come up with something different, something with a cheerier more upbeat tone. I though about all the euphemisms people use to talk about dying. Then I remembered “pushing up Daisies”. I thought that’s it’s I’m going to call mine the DAISY List.
The Posse
Lisa, Janet, and myself, aren’t we BEAUTIFUL? They say “you have to BE a good friend to HAVE a good FRIEND!”
When I came up with the Daisy List, I started to think of all the things I wanted to do before I die, TAZ or no TAZ!
Things like:
- build a successful business, maybe something like “Day Dreams in Focus”
- take trips all over the world, see Barcelona, the Cape Verde islands, Italy.
- write a novel
- attend my Grandson’s wedding, (yeah)
- new “great” grandchildren.
- attend a Book Festival in DC or Arizona or Texas
- learn how to swim, “AGAIN” so I can do a cannonball. *
- spend a day at a water park and go on all the rides
- take a road trip with my daughter, son, and grandson
- buy a waterfront summer home
- attend a Cirque de Soleil performance
- take a River Cruise
- take a sculpture class
- attend a play in NYC “every quarter”
- maybe even fall in LOVE AGAIN!!!!
WHEW !
*I have this thing about learning how to swim so I can do a Cannonball! J I knew how to swim as a child, then I grew up and all of a sudden I couldn’t swim. (What’s with that)?
And in that moment, the DAISY LIST (aka Bucket List) was conceived.
While I was still in the car on my trip back home, I called my BMF to tell him my idea about the Daisy List. I was so excited, I did most of the talking (nothing new there) and probably talked for about 2 hours.
When I asked him why he was so quiet, he said, WOW, you just found out about TAZ, and you’re already onto your next project. You certainly are the “Come Back Kid”! He’s so sweet, made me feel good. On top of that he thought the Daisy List was a fantastic idea.
Once I got to Mass and had to tell my family about TAZ, naturally everyone had the same reaction. First shock, then sadness, then all they wanted to talk about was TAZ. But I would immediately change the subject and start talking to them about my DAISY list. Please folks, no fear, no sadness, just talk about a positive future.
Now it’s important for me to make something clear here. Even though this was MY experience, and MY story, I have many friends and relatives that have had to deal with TAZ on a very different level. Each and every experience is different for everyone.
I in no way want to diminish or minimize anyone else’s pain, depression, suffering or horrific experiences.
I’m just trying to express how I wanted to handle MY Journey.
As a matter of fact, one of my Posse friends, Janet, had been dealing with this monster and was in the process of chemo treatments for some months. I was still in the “diagnosis stage”, so I still had the “LUXURY” of thinking HAPPY POLLYANA thoughts. I couldn’t share my Daisy List idea with her then, but I have since.
PS – Janet is now fully recovered and back to her full life.
While talking about the DAISY LIST, I realized there were hundreds of thousands of men, women and children that were or had experienced similar issues. That’s when I came up with the idea of a BLOG. At the time, I thought it was such an original idea. I had no idea there were a Gazillion BLOGS out there. I’m actually glad I didn’t know because no way would I have started one.
In addition to keeping my family posted, I wanted my BLOG to address some very specific things.
– to chronicle my experience in hopes it might help someone else, even in a tiny way, even if all it did was to make them laugh or at least smile.
– to start a platform for others to share their experiences and be able to share some of the humor of it all. I know that sounds crazy, but there ARE humorous things that happen on this Journey, and laughter is healing.
– make it a discussion platform not just for TAZ patients but for anyone dealing with a personal TSUNAMI!
– a BLOG with some DO’s and Don’t’s to help friends of loved ones deal with this type of Journey.